2026.10.08

┳ WARNING! ┳ This entry is entirely about my eating disorder and contains references to suicide, self-harm, incest, and abuse. ED-related numbers appear under spoilers like this boo! to be opened at your own risk. —  —  —  Looks like it's time to be mentally ill on the Internet again! In the past, relapsing on my ED led to attention-seeking food logs, but this time I'd rather be introspective and, if possible, put some goodness into the world by focusing on the psychological aspects of this disease.

Elsewhere online I found a kind of "questionnaire for eating disordered people," so I'll be responding to those prompts one at a time, as candidly as possible while still being careful not to send readers into a spiral.

1. WHEN DID YOUR ED BEGIN?

All my life I was naturally thin until antipsychotic medication gave me the mega munchies. The medication did effectively manage my paranoid and persecutory delusions, but by the time we found one that worked, I had already completely crashed out of life. My agorophobia prevented me from going outside and my depression from doing anything interesting, least of all anything active. Therefore I was not only overeating, but I was completely sedentary, too, and my psychosis gave me weird rules about mirrors that had not really gone away.

I never looked at myself, never noticed my body changing, until one morning I rolled out of bed and my thighs chafed when I walked. I got myself on "proana" T*mblr the same day.

2. WHAT IS YOUR EARLIEST ED RELATED MEMORY?

In middle school, I had an anorexic friend who tried to teach me what a thigh gap was. Erroneously, she told me that you stand with your feet apart rather than together, and there was plenty of space between my legs like that! I genuinely believe that measuring myself on that "easy" standard protected me from developing an ED until much later.

3. FAVORITE SAFE FOODS?

Broccoli... Cherry tomatoes... Eggs... Unironically metamucil— the taste has really grown on me, and it helps so much with my digestion, therefore also my mood because nothing makes me crankier than constipation. I'll happily sacrifice 60 calories for my twice daily fiber drink.

When I am still hungry after I'm done eating for the day, or it's too early to eat, or if I just have cravings in general, I ask myself: "am I hungry enough to have metamucil?" If the answer is "no," I have water; if "yes," I have metamucil and nothing else. LOL.

4. FAVORITE SAFE MEAL?

A bowl full of broccoli with some chicken breast on the side. I would probably eat this every day for the rest of my life if I could. Broccoli is very yummy and very filling, and when eaten by itself it tastes sweet, like dessert! In my diet it's almost entirely replaced rice, bread, and pasta.

The only problem is that I suck at counting calories and refuse to weigh my food, so I never really know how much chicken I am eating. All I know is that it tastes soooo gooooood.

5. HOW DO YOU HANDLE HARD DAYS?

My days really aren't that hard anymore, thanks to helping me raise my calorie limits to a more comfortable, less crazy-making deficit. If ever I'm distressed, I just take it easy and distract myself as much as possible. Lately I play video games, and I find a lot of comfort in my creative hobbies like writing and drawing, too. I also love to daydream and use positive self-talk, do self-compassion exercises, etc. No matter what, I can always confide in Sans.

I know that eating disorders typically revolve around self-hating activities but my perception of myself has evolved so much since my last relapse. Aside from the obsessive and restrictive tendencies that come with anorexia, I feel as mentally (and physically!) healthy as ever.

6. START WEIGHT, CURRENT WEIGHT, HIGHEST WEIGHT, ULTIMATE GOAL WEIGHT?

This is potentially the most triggering question here and I did consider removing it, but I'm really proud to have lost so much weight in a little over one month, so I'm going to answer anyways.

START: 115; CURRENT: 99; HIGHEST: unsure, I either didn't weigh myself or just forgot because it's been so many years. I'd estimate ~130; ULTIMATE GOAL: ... yeah, that one I'll keep to myself.

Rest assured, I don't want to die— I don't even want to be ill! I just want my outsides to match my insides, and I'll be just fine with a higher weight as long as my body looks the way I want it to.

7. HOW DO YOU COMFORT YOURSELF AFTER A BINGE?

Thankfully I have no binge or purge tendencies. On days that I eat more than I wanted to— either because I improperly counted my calories or someone I love wanted me to eat more— I remind myself that it's not actually that much food. I'll still be in a deficit, or at least I can be in a deficit tomorrow. It's better to eat for/in front of other people than let ana damage my relationships.

8. WHAT TYPE OF ED DO YOU HAVE?

My eating disorder is restrictive and vain, motivated mainly by a desire to express my cute and tiny essence through my physical form. Currently, I am using my illness to procrastinate. Thanks to I eat enough to feel like a real person, but I won't allow myself enough calories to truly focus, learn, or develop my budding "adulting" skills. The end result is something like "first I need to reach X pounds, at which point I can maintain my weight, and then I'll be ready to do such-and-such important life task!"

9. WHEN DID YOU REALIZE YOU HAD AN ED?

I "intentionally" gave myself this disorder, so it was not really a matter of realising. I suppose that, during this relapse, I'm discovering it is not as within my control as I thought. I'm not immune to the worst of ana— the lying and hiding, the hanger, the vanity and obsession, the way goal weights just get lower and lower... It's terrifying, thrilling, and I love it. I don't want to change.

10. DO YOU HAVE ANY RECOVERY TIPS?

Number one tip for any compulsion, addiction, repetitive thought, or troublesome self-perception is to work at it from the root: trauma. There is always some painful life event, or succession of events, or overall miasma of fear and desperation, that fuels our most unsavoury and least helpful behaviour. In my case, I know that anorexia affords me a false sense of success and control, because losing weight is really, really fucking easy compared to my other (more worthwhile!) aspirations. Weight loss is also a solitary activity, dependent solely upon my own actions, so there's nobody around to interfere, gatekeep, blame, or judge.

If I want to be free from ana, I have to overcome my fears of failure and judgement. I consider myself mostly healed from the incest that triggered my psychotic break, but I'm still recovering from the aftermath which, in some ways, has been just as or perhaps even more traumatic than the actual events. Spending my entire young adulthood trapped inside, barely able to scrape myself into work or school, missing out on milestones of maturity and independence... It sucks. LOL. As a child I was quite ambitious and confident, and by some miracle I have retained both my strong, outspoken personality as well as my myriad talents, but I'm honestly afraid to "grow up."

Anorexia helps me postpone it all, and it makes me skinny to boot. Of course I'd rather do this than something boring and scary like advance my career!!! Really, though, we can only prioritise one or maybe two facets of life at a time. For example, if you get really into your hobbies, your relationships may suffer. If you get really into your relationships, your health may suffer. Life is about balance, love about sacrifice. Right now, I'm letting go of a lot of things because I care more about being tiny. It just is what it is.

11. DOES ANYONE KNOW ABOUT YOUR ED?

Well, now you know, don't you?

12. WHAT IS AN EMBARRASSING ED RELATED STORY YOU HAVE?

I'm going to talk about my worthless idiot older brother for a second.

All his life, my brother was a fat disgusting fuckass retard bastard who, from time to time, tried to do stupid crash diets because he was extremely dumb and an idiot and I HATE him. When I gave him good weight loss tips, speaking as a "former anorexic" (I was kinda recovered at the time), he mistakenly identified my ed era as... age 10-11 ┘┌ And I had to be like, "what? No. I was 18 going on 19-20."

Granted we didn't see each other much in that period of my young adulthood, it made sense that he got it wrong. But it fucking FREAKS ME OUT that he was paying any attention to my body at that age. I was having my precocious puberty, he was 14-15, and by the time I was in high school he was making incestuous advances on me. It makes me want to fucking puke thinking that for all those years, without me knowing, he had already made me into a sex object. I hate him I hate him I HATE HIM DIEEEEE DIE DIE DIE.

Thankfully, my nightmares about him have mostly stopped, but a few days ago I dreamt that I put him in a meat grinder. Sight. I suppose that's not really an "embarrassing" story, but it's something that makes my skin crawl when I remember it.

In case you're new here, he's the root of all my problems.

13. LONGEST FAST?

Not very long— 36 hours maybe? I prefer intermittent fasting because, quite quickly, my body adapts and it becomes a very natural, very sustainable eating schedule. Going more than 24 hours with only water as fuel is too hard for me, though I know there are other ~types of fasting~ where you can at least drink some soup or something. I'm just not interested in that kind of restriction so I don't actually know how it works, nor do I care to learn.

14. HAVE YOU RECOVERED/RELAPSED BEFORE?

Yes, multiple times. My relapses coincide with life stress, recovery with life improvements. I reached my lowest weight, for example, when my abusive ex-girlfriend was cheating on me and bragging about it. I began to eat normally again after she dissolved our suicide pact, granting me "permission" to live for the first time in a year. But the ED thoughts never truly go away, plus I love being thin— it's my natural state!!— so I start feeling dissatisfied with my body at around 105 pounds. 115 was just unacceptable. What a relief it's been to get my weight down so quickly, though I still have a ways to go.

15. FAVORITE SAFE OUTFIT?

Eh, I have no need for anything like this. Even at my "unacceptable" weight, I look "normal skinny" and feel cute in my clothes. All I need is to wear pants that actually fit my stomach, or else the squeezing waistband makes me want to die. Aside from all the deep, unresolved personal problems, this relapse is sustained by a desire to fit into my old clothes. In the back of my closet, there lies a pair of aqua blue, size XS cotton shorts I have never been able to wear because my dumbass didn't try them on in the store! Instead of squeezing me, I want them falling off. I won't settle for anything less. ← (actually will settle for them fitting normally, but that doesn't sound as dramatic and cool)

16. COFFEE OR TEA

Neither, but matcha tea is okay.

18. DIET SODA OR ENERGY DRINKS

Seriously neither. I only drink water.

19. BIGGEST SWEET TOOTH CRAVING/BINGE FOOD

My fave food is oatmeal— literally since utero! My mom craved it constantly while pregnant, and I ate it for breakfast everyday until my teen years. Unfortunately I have a reduced sense of taste so I grew up adding a lot of sweetened condensed milk, turning what is usually considered "diet food" into a veritable dessert!!! Lately I sweeten it with just a dollop of milk and loads of stevia, and it tastes just as good~

20. SOMETHING YOU WANT TO TELL ABOUT YOUR ED BUT YOU'VE NEVER HAD THE CHANCE

Sans is silent on my anorexia. This relapse we've only discussed it once, and only because severe calorie restriction was driving me fucking crazy and I had to talk to someone, even if that person is just a cartoon skeleton who lives in my head. I had yet to confide in about my relapse, so I had spent the past two weeks living on little more than a couple spoonfuls of food each day. How did I get to that point when he's supposed to be by my side through everything, taking care of me when I can't care for myself? Especially since Sans is the exact kind of guy who would tell me to just eat a sandwich...!!! Ok, just kidding, he is more emotionally intelligent than that, but still.

He intervenes in all my other self-injurious ideas, points out when my thoughts seem psychotic or unfair, coaxes me back into the present when I have flashbacks and nightmares... but he had nothing to say when I was counting out exactly 10 cashews for my daily meal. Obviously, Sans is just one part of me. He only knows what I know, and though he can (and does) shift my perspective, he cannot create an entirely new one. I suppose he also can't stop a train that I'm already on— that I very, very badly want to be on.

I have a dozen explanations, excuses, and justifications for my eating disorder, against all of which Sans seems to be totally powerless. At most, I use him for wish fulfillmental fantasies about my ultimate goal weight, and I make him praise me for reaching my incremental goals, too. He helps me sleep when I'm hungry and feeds me slowly when the portions seem too large. I've basically made him into a co-conspirator for my anorexia, which feels simultaneously wrong and just right. It's just interesting to me... Yeah.

21. DO YOU HAVE ANY HARM REDUCTION TIPS

My scale is a foul fucking temptress, I love and hate our thrice daily rendezvous because she is painfully honest with me, but I just can't quit her!!! Don't be like me. Only weigh yourself once a week, never daily, definitely not multiple times a day. If you can't stop yourself from weighing in, don't take the number too seriously. Learn about weight fluctuations caused by water retention, food/waste weight, the heaviness of muscle vs. fat, etc.

A very helpful analogy is that when you put something inside of a purse, naturally it's going to weigh more, but the purse is still the same cute little pochette you love regardless of its contents, no? So don't hate yourself just because you haven't pooped in a week and your lower intestine is currently clogged with 5 pounds of literal shit. (Speaking from experience.)

Also hydration is key. Water is the easiest, cheapest glow-up for EVERYONE, eating disordered or otherwise, costing you zero calories and offering innumerable benefits. General "fluids" are not enough becuase nothing can replace clean, pure water. None of us are walking five miles both ways, carrying gallon jugs on our heads just to cook and clean, so there's no excuse. Drink water. NOW.

22. BEST WORDS OF ADVICE/LOVE/EXPERIENCE TO OTHER PPL WITH EDS

Weight loss and gain are both very slow, very reversible processes. Nothing has to be decided today and you can always change your mind later. What feels like forever right now is just one small moment in your long, beautiful life. Make of it what you will. All of us hold the keys to our own prisons, and everything gets better when we choose to finally open the doors.

23. DO YOU HAVE A PARTNER? IF SO DO THEY KNOW ABOUT YOUR ED?

Yes and yes. Hi , I love you.

24. DO YOU WANT TO RECOVER?

What I want is to shrink down to a physicality that pleases me, then maintain that weight by counting calories for the rest of my life. I am open to gaining weight or settling for a higher set point as a result of building muscle, but that's about it. As I get older and go through menopause, my metabolism will slow down but that doesn't mean I need to "get fat." Basically, I'm committed to watching my figure until I die and legitimately— eating disorder aside— I don't see anything wrong with that.

25. DO YOU ACTUALLY ENJOY WORKING OUT?

FUCK NO. I hate it so much I literally call myself "lazyrexic." My relapse began with severe calorie restriction because I knew I was never going to exercise. That said, I know that light movement is critical to wellness, and my poor mother has been complaining for years that I'm too sedentary. After a lot of trial and error— trying to get into walking dogs, jumping on a mini trampoline, pacing while listening to music, and really disliking all of those things— I realised that I'm too attached to my computer. I hate to tear myself away from it, especially to do something as boring, annoying, and un-fun as "exercise." Yuck!

Therefore, I have recently purchased a walking pad and standing desk!!! I'm so, so, so excited for them to arrive. I feel like it's going to actually change my life.

26. DO YOU SMOKE?

No, and I never will.

27. IF YOU SMOKE WEED, DO YOU GET MUNCHIES?

I do not and never did the few times I tried it. Cannabis does literally nothing for me, literally nothing at all. The only change I experienced was sudden anxiety and psychosis from a tiny edible, lmao.

28. WHAT IS THE THING YOU MISS MOST THAT YOUR ED HAS TAKEN AWAY FROM YOU

Food. God, I miss food. But I'm comforted by the knowledge that I can eat a decent amount again soon. By the time I'm more satisfied with my body, people around me will have gotten concerned, so I'll need to slow down my weight loss and maybe even maintain for a little while, just to get everyone used to my new figure. My TDEE at my ideal weight has plenty of room for yummy stuff, too!!!

29. HAVE YOU WORKED ON YOUR ED IN THERAPY?

No, I never had any overlap between therapy and active ED behaviours. In any case, I always had bigger fish to fry. (The camera pans to my older brother roasting on a spit.)

30. HAVE YOU EVER BEEN CAUGHT MID-ED ACT (I.E. PURGING, BINGEING, ETC)

I don't binge or purge, and I'm very careful to not get caught weighing or measuring myself because wow, how goddamn embarrassing would that be. I suppose people watch me restrict without realising I am doing so, but I also aim to quickly and sneakily count my food items, check calorie labels, etc., as to not raise suspicion.

I hide my anorexia because, first of all, I don't want to be stopped! And second, bodily autonomy is huge for me. My favourite word is volition, after all, and freedom sits among my highest values. Often, when someone compels me to eat more, what upsets me the more than the extra food is my choice to acquiese when I wish I wasn't made to choose between my wants and someone else's. At the same time, I'd rather protect my relationships— and my secret— so I'll just shut up and eat seconds if I have to.

31. DO YOU EAT HEALTHY OR NOT?

Eh... I guess? I am divorced from my beloved Burger King but I still eat a slice or two of pizza on occasion. I'm not worried about macros, only calorie counts.

32. DOES YOUR ED AFFECT YOUR SEX LIFE/SEXUALITY?

No, but it has affected my menstruation. My periods are lighter yet longer since I relapsed.

33. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE UNHEALTHY BUT SAFE FOOD? (IF YOU HAVE ANY)

My safe foods are all healthy.

34. WHAT IS ONE OF YOUR MOST OBSCURE FEARS BROUGHT ON BY YOUR ED?

I'm afraid of being offered food, compelled to eat, force fed, things like that. I console myself with the knowledge that whatever I may gain, I can simply lose again. Plus, one day of eating more than usual won't ruin my progress, only slow it down by a few hours. If somehow I ended up in hospital, forced to eat, I would take the opportunity to eat whatever I was craving and enjoy the reprieve from restriction. But I have no intention of making myself sick enough for that to happen!

35. LEAST FAVORITE PART OF YOUR BODY

I'm tryna love myself so this is not really a useful question LOL. But I'd like to try answering anyways, in a grounded way.

I've always hated my skin because of chronic acne starting in early childhood, though finally it's showing some improvement with minimal effort on my part. Rather than finding (and picking at...) new blemishes every single day, I mostly only have hormonal breakouts related to my menses. It seems to help that I dont "wash" my face anymore, just rinse at the tap and rub on micellar water as if it was moisturiser. Apparently I'm so sensitive that even the gentlest cleansers strip my skin barrier, leaving me all dry and inflamed.

I also wish I had darker skin like my mom and cousins, though I'm sure that if I was darker I'd wish I was lighter instead. Funny how that works, right? I know that I associate my paleness with my continued reluctance to go outside, even though I'm no longer agoraphobic(!), so it reminds me of that whole "crashing out of life" trauma more than anything. But I can only tan so much, meaning no matter what I'll always be on the lighter side. Sigh!!! Eventually I'll come to love my cafe au lait colouring...

36. FAVORITE PART OF YOUR BODY

My legs!!! Even when I'm missing my thigh gap, they are my best feature. I also love my boobs and butt haha— just my natural hourglass shape in general, and every day I'm proud to be petite!!! It simply suits me to be so short. I used to wish i was shorter but at (almost) exactly 5'0", I can eat a bit more than those even smaller than me. I also love my huge, fluffy afro and deep brown eyes, and I like having tiny hands and feet, and can we circle back to my tits??? I really do have great tits.

Most importantly, I love my body as a whole, rather than individual pieces because I AM my body!!! I don't "have" a body, my body is me!!! It's the one and only vessel I can occupy to interact with the world we inhabit, and I'm so happy and glad to be alive. On a piecemeal level, I am grateful for my organs that heal themselves, my respiratory system that brings me calming breaths and helps me sing, my fingers that type, my eyes that read, my brain that philosophises... Even with my skin problems at their worst, I could always feel warm and cozy, all swaddled in soft things.

There's always something to love and enjoy beyond the way we look and are shaped. I'm blessed to enjoy so many aspects of myself!!!

37. DO YOU HAVE A FAST METABOLISM?

I dunno. Yes? Maybe? I'm not sure how I would tell. I lost ~16 pounds in about a month— some of which was water weight, surely!— but I'd rather attribute that to me overestimating my calorie intake than having a ~magically fast metabolism.~

38. DUMBEST WEIGHT LOSS ADVICE YOU'VE EVER GOTTEN

If I've ever received dumb advice, I don't remember it. But the best advice I ever got was from my 11th grade Environmental Science teacher, who was getting married that summer or had already gotten married the summer before... something like that. Either way, she needed to lose weight to fit into her wedding dress, and she said she changed absolutely nothing about her diet or lifestyle besides drinking more water.

I will fucking die on this hill. Water is the best thing for everyone!!!

39. DO YOU TRY TO PRACTICE BODY NEUTRALITY? POSITIVITY? IF YOU DO, HOW?

Of course! Even when I don't like my body, I don't hate it because I know that the way I'm shaped is nothing more than a product of my lifestyle. When I'm "fat" it's because I overeat and sit on my ass all day lmao. It's as easy as eating less (because I KNOW I'm not gonna move more). In any case, I have always had a lovely figure. I'm very proportionate while still having long, beautiful legs. I like myself more and more over the years, and I'm even starting to like my face, too. Sometimes I look in the mirror and I swear I'm the cutest girl in the world.

Having the girlfriend and best friends that I have, who consistently praised and complimented me even when I struggled to believe it, has done wonders for my self-esteem. Also, my summer of love with proved to me that none of my insecurities actually get in the way of feeling pleasure or safety as long as I'm with someone who truly adores me. I'm so happy and grateful to have a girlfriend like her!

40. HOW DO YOU HANDLE ED RELATED NAUSEA, FATIGUE, SICKNESS, OR WEAKNESS?

The only way to solve it is to eat more, or sleep until you're "allowed" to have your next meal. I have chosen, with 's encouragement, to just eat more because extreme restriction was destroying my quality of life. I was faint and lethargic; I couldn't feel my hands. All I did was lay in bed all day... Thank God she gave me an "excuse" to increase my intake because I feel so, so much better now!!!

I suppose I do try to eat healthy, too, by "spending" my calories on actual food instead of over-processed junk. That's not to say I don't love me some pita chips and sliced cheese, but you'd never catch me eating nothing but cookies, candy, or alcohol, y'know? I don't eat a lot of that stuff in the first place, so it's not even like I'm missing out on anything.

41. WHAT FOOD DO YOU MISS MOST?

PASTA. PASTA WITH BUTTER AND CHEESE. Maybe maybe maybe I could make it work within my current limits but I'd have to really plan it out. We'll see...

And there you have it! There's probably more to say, but I can't think of anything else right now, and frankly I'd rather go do something more fun than talk about ana all day. As always, there's vidya to play!!! But before I go, I ought to update all my fanlistings and my webring, too.